🏃♂️ How I Might Could Beat Kipchoge in a Marathon
Hint: It doesn’t involve running faster than 4:35 per mile for 26.2 miles.
Let’s be clear: I’m not literally EVER going to outrun Eliud Kipchoge. The man is a machine, a living legend, the 🐐. But if you give me some control over the rules, maybe I’ve got a shot, and you may as well! 😂
Here’s my 100% scientifically unverified, highly strategic, lifestyle-based plan to beat Kipchoge in a marathon.
Possible Scenarios You Could Beat Kipchoge in a Marathon.
Host the marathon in Death Valley at high noon
Me: Heat-adapted with ice vest, electrolyte-loaded (Re-Lyte’d up).
Him: Not expecting a furnace. Dehydrated and miserable.
Odds: I might pass him at mile 21… crawling.
Run it virtually… on different days
I run best marathon ever. Then ask, “How did Kipchoge do?”
He hasn’t run it yet. Me 1. Kipchoge: 0. Boom. 🤣
But for real… Physically? Not unless:
- He has broken feet or legs,
- I’m on a bike,
- Or we’re both in a Mario Kart race. 😂
Strategically Creative Ways to Beat Kipchoge in a Marathon
Step 1: Feed Kipchoge 400g of Sugar Per Day for 6 Months
Not just any sugar. I’m talking the real American diet deal: pizza, pastries, soda, cereal, “heart-healthy” granola bars.
Why? Because that’s what I used to eat. And let me tell you—from experience—it doesn’t end well.
Kipchoge’s VO2 max and low heart rate training won’t matter if he’s carrying another 45 extra pounds of inflammation, brain fog, and triglycerides through 26.2 miles.
Trust me, I’ve lived it. (He would probably still beat me weighing another 45 pounds. 🤣)
Step 2: Ban Unnecessary Movement for 6 Months
He can walk to the fridge, but that’s it. No running, no strength training, not even a light jog.
Let him try to “power through” mile 4 with a weak left glute and a right knee compensating like mine was back last year by not prioritizing strength training. 🥴
Step 3: Destroy His Mitochondria
We’ll strip away his healthy fats and flood his mitochondria with oxidized oils, refined carbs, and stress.
We’ll also keep him up late watching mindless television and only let him sleep for 2-3 hours each night.
He won’t be running a sub-2 marathon, or even a sub-2 half—he’ll be trying to finish without bonking at mile 10.
Step 4: Race Day Fuel: Cotton Candy and Mountain Dew
No electrolytes or real hydration. Just pure, blood-sugar-spiking neon highly acidic goo.
Watch as his energy crash harder than my HDL and old cholesterol ratios.
Step 5: Me, Now
Me in 2018? No chance at all to even run a mile.
But me now? Lean, metabolically sound, insulin sensitive, and fueled by real food, real sleep, and real training?
With all those things above, maybe I’d glide by Kipchoge around mile 15 with a smile, a calm heart rate, and maybe even a spoonful of macadamia butter. 😎
Let’s be clear though: I’ve only covered the marathon distance once in my life, and I’m under no illusion that I could come anywhere near his abilities.
This isn’t about outrunning Kipchoge — it’s about outrunning who I used to be.
The Point
This is obviously a joke (kind of). But it highlights something important:
You don’t have to “outrun” Kipchoge. You just have to outlast the lifestyle most people are living.
If we don’t take care of our metabolic health, even world-class talent isn’t enough.
And if we do? We’re capable of way more than we think — not to beat legends, but to rewrite our own story.
This article came out of a conversation with a running friend Janice Keene Soldano. Coach Todd mentioned AI and she posted a list of what her ChatGPT responded with of “How to beat Kipchoge.” It was rather funny and 95% of this article was my ChatGPT’s response to with the same question. It is applying what it knows about me to the question with some good ole humor, but some great points to think about.
Ask your ChatGPT how you could beat Kipchoge in a marathon!
I’ve been hesitant to AI, but I’ve been blown away at the power it has with analyzing, coding, and wrapping things up in context with provided information.
AI has helped me LevelUP in a short amount of time… more to come. Stay tuned!
Featured image: © Arne Müseler via Wikimedia Commons • CC BY-SA 3.0 DE